BOB WAYNE’S WEBLOG

Yes, despite the cavalier way Piggy’s relatives have all found their way into my free…er…uh…into someone’s freezer, you just can’t keep a good Piggy down.

So once again, in a fit of joie de vivre, our hip cat Piggy is dancing his little heart out to the passionate strains of Jim Carrey’s version of Cuban Pete from the movie The Mask…

CRANK IT UP!

Piggy is tired of finding his family in the freezer so he’s hired a marketing firm to create a campaign to stop people from eating pork.

Here are a few of the tag lines they’ve come up with:

“CHICKEN - IT’S THE ONLY WHITE MEAT”

“DON’T EAT PIGS BECAUSE PIGS EAT POOP”

“DO YOU REALLY WANT TO EAT SOMETHING THAT LIVES IN MUD?”

And then there’s Piggy’s personal favorites:

“HUMAN - THE OTHER WHITE MEAT”

“HUMAN - JUST LIKE PIG BUT CHEAPER”

Piggy even came up with a slogan for the Republican convention:

“THE POOR ARE HUNGRY? ILLEGAL ALIEN TASTES JUST LIKE SPICY PORK”

talk about a great vacation. Piggy traveled to a cooler climate to get away from the heat and found several of his long lost relatives. Here he is “hamming it up” with his favorite Uncle “Blackie”…

Piggy with Aunt Salty

Piggy with Cousin Tasty

Piggy with Cousin Filet

Piggy with Cousin Succulent

Talk about your summer fun…

Piggy found a new place to get away from the summer heat. Of course, little does Piggy know he’s in for a big surprise…stay tuned… 

Lisa Drew’’s latest gallery showing for her digital art photography begins Sunday, 8-10-08 in the gallery at Plymouth Congregational Church in Minneapolis. The opening reception begins at noon. The show runs through August and part of September.

This is a joint showing with hand-painted glass artist Lucy Rose Fischer. It seems very serendipitous for these two artists to show together because quite a number of Lisa’s photographs are abstract representations of hand blown glass or stained glass windows.

You can read the artist’s statements and see samples of their work on the  gallery exhibit page.

(I took this description from the artist statement on Plymouth’s site.)

Lisa Drew is a visual and performance artist residing in the Camden neighborhood of North Minneapolis. In addition to photography, Lisa is a gifted classical singer who’s performed to critical acclaim both internationally and locally. Visit www.killeralto.com for more information. To see more of Lisa Drew’s digital art photography, visit Lisa Drew Photos.

You can see Lucy Rose Fischer’s work at www.lucyrosedesigns.com.

Yes, Piggy is very upset about the Chinese Olympics. He’s been glued to the TV waiting to see who’s competing in Mud Rolling. We didn’t have the heart to tell him there is no Mud Rolling category.

What can I say? It’s a popular sport with piggies. In fact, it’s the only sport amongst piggies. And now it’s been snubbed by the Chinese Olympics.

if there’s one thing that’s not fun to have in your house, it’s a pissed off Piggy.

…and I don’t mind saying I’ve missed her terribly. However, it’s also been a good experience for me. I have a tendency to get intellectually lazy.

Lisa has an IQ well above mine and so I tend to rely on her for technological solutions. She’s an extraordinary problem solver. There’s a damned good reason her nickname is “Gadget Grrl”.

But when she’s gone for extended periods, I can no longer run downstairs yelling, “Sweetie…I can’t get my cell phone to work.” Or “Squishy,,,I’m getting an error message when I open Word. Can you fix it?”

When there ain’t no “Gadget Grrl” here, ya just gotta figger it out for yerself!

I took my friend Dawn to an oral surgeon yesterday and then gave her a ride home afterwards. Since she got gassed, she missed all the festivities in her mouth.

I learned a few things though from seeing her in the recovery room after the surgery. I really hate seeing my friends so frail, fragile and vulnerable. When your friendships are the rock you build your life on, seeing just how tenuous that foundation is can be really scary.

It also rips your heart strings out of their sockets to see one of the people you care about looking so…helpless.

Of course, I forgot all that after I caught Piggy rifling through Dawn’s purse looking for her pain-killer prescriptions. Dawn wanted to drop him off in the kitchen at Famous Dave’s.

Maybe she’s not as vulnerable as I thought. Piggy got the message.

MINNEAPOLIS (AP) ?

For the first time in its history, the Como Zoo has birthed a baby piggie.

The small porker burst from its dis-reputable mother on Thursday in the Zoo’s Pig Pen.

Historically, Zoos throughout the United States have had trouble producing piggies due to the animal’s unusual breeding practices. Rumors abound concerning leather and shackles.

Como keepers attribute the success to the pig being in a bar earlier in season, the wetter than usual spring, incubator processes, and large amounts of alcohol. The search is still on for the father.

Piggy isn’t talking.

The Diva Drew left for France Tuesday on a three week performance tour with the Rose Ensemble. She had promised Piggy she’d take him with her but, being the lazy slug that he is (what the hell, he’s a pig), he slept in and missed the flight.

He has been inconsolable. No lovely French truffles. No lovely French piggies. No Roman mineral baths (Piggy saw “mineral” and thought they were mud baths - honest mistake for a pig).

He even borrowed my beret. Is there no end to Piggy’s torment?

Piggy has finally reached the end of his rope. Loneliness has overwhelmed his desire to be a…well, uhm,,,a pig. He’s determined to slim down and find the perfect girl.

So Piggy has created his own diet that combines his love of chocolate with his complete lack of self control.

He eats everything he wants, anytime he wants, and finishes every meal with a chocolate sundae…made with chocolate flavored ExLax. It is the guaranteed weight loss program for those like Piggy who can’t control their eating.

Yes, it might eventually kill him but think how much weight he’ll lose then? Piggy is really excited!

Does that sound crazy? Maybe. But I’ve never accepted the common definition of “patriotism”. The people who believe a patriot is someone who defends his country right or wrong.

George Carlin was a true patriot. Rather than defend the status quo, he challenged the country and its people and its government to be better than they were.

Every time George spoke, he didn’t disparage his country, government and citizens. But he always poked fun at the ridiculousness of some of the accepted rules, the “we’ve always done it this way” ideologues.

George never spoke against the American Dream. He simply tried to help us make America a little freer, a little more caring, and a little more logical. And maybe help I never knew that man personally. But I wish I had. I imagine behind the bluster was a very thoughtful, intelligent and gentle individual…

…of course, then again, he may have been a real hoser…

The Diva Drew just came back from another triumphant tour in Europe with The Rose Ensemble. They were performing in a festival outside of Milan, Italy for two weeks.

She told me that there were horse races through the streets of these small neighborhoods as part of the festival. Each neighborhood had its own colorful banners and icons representing the neighborhood. They were getting a real kick out of the different icons. One was a dog with a broken rope in it’s mouth, and another was a blackbird.

Then their bus turned a corner and they saw an icon of a self-flagellation whip. Hmmm. what made the story really interesting was that the Diva was telling me this story at a point of near exhaustion and when she mumbled flagellation, I thought she said flatulation.

I’m not sure which would have been weirder. Self-flagellation or self-flatulation. What do you think?

I was in the bathroom today getting ready to brush my teeth and I heard a commercial on TV. They said if you eat the secret sauce, you can expose your underarms. Of course, the water was running. Maybe I got it wrong…

If Piggy sees another news story about the Obama Clinton Primary soap opera, I swear to god he’s going postal. However, he has a solution. Lock the two candidates in a room together. Drop a gun from a trap door in the ceiling. Whoever walks out, wins.

Of course, this theory is presented by the same pig who thought the solution to the political problems in the Middle East was to carpet bomb it and pave it.

“Nuke ‘em till they glow then shoot ‘em in the dark!” Yeah, baby!

Yeah, I know. You look out the window here in Minneapolis and you can watch the snow falling. Hell, more like blowing like a banshee.

But I have clear evidence that it’s spring. I was cleaning the guest house where Piggy lives yesterday, and I found three prescription bottles of Viagra under his bed. And to top it off, he had a Viagra Value Card. Look at what the deal is. Just what Piggy needs, free Viagra:

“Looking for a great way to get free VIAGRA? Then take advantage of The Value Card for VIAGRA, a one-of-a-kind program that rewards you with ongoing savings.

When you use the Value Card to fill your VIAGRA prescriptions, you can get every 4th prescription free (up to $300 a calendar year).* You can use it with or without private health insurance coverage^†—and at most retail pharmacies nationwide. It’s that simple.”

Yeah, and it’s that scary. Piggy on Viagra.

That’s right…spatulas. I’ve got five of them in my utensil drawer. Do they breed? Are they spreading like the Black Plague?

And that’s just the normal ones. You know, the kind you’d flip your pancakes or burgers with. Then there’s the flexible rubber ones and the metal ones that look like a boat rudder. And what the hell is up with TABLE SPOONS?

Did we really need another spoon? I can’t even get it in my mouth! It’s too small to use for serving. Is there some secret congress of table service makers? A hidden cabal of spoon officionados? Did they decide to make a tablespoon because there’s a measurement called a tablespoon? What do we need it on the table for? So the guests can measure their servings?

And soup spoons? I totally don’t get soup spoons. Who has a mouth shaped like that? Maybe Julia Roberts. I can’t eat soup with a soup spoon. I’ve got a damned spoon on the table and it works just fine! Get thee away evil soup spoon!

And I really love this: Dessert forks. I mean, c’mon! Is your goddamned dessert so dainty it’ll keel over dead if you stick a hearty fork in it? We don’t need no stinkin’ desert forks!

What the hell was she thinking? Did her dad (Tony Curtis) do commercials? Did her mom (Vivien Leigh) do commercials? Does the Pope bear wood in the forest? Hell, I don’t know but I’ve probably just offended a half dozen Catholics. But that’s okay because I’m watching The Tudors and the Pope is just not impressing the hell out of me on that show. Why can’t he just give Henry his divorce?

I mean, what the hell was that stuff I mixed in my blackberry, rasberry, apple juice? I think it was some kind of rot gut tequila but I’m really not sure because I was distracted by Jamie Lee Curtis doing a commercial for Activia and now here I am in front of my computer thinking that, yeah, Jamie isn’t as young as she was in Trading Places but I still remember her doing her sexy dance in True Lies and I’ll be damned if I wouldn’t like to…

Of course, I remember…what the hell was the name of the demon in Buffy The Vampire Slayer who did her sexy dance? Joss Whedon had the good sense to show that little clip of it in the previews every week. And that used to get me off…

And now…I shall go back to watching Top Gear because in spite of the fact that they’ve never had Jamie Lee Curtis on the show I can forgive them because, well, I don’t know why, exactly, but I’m sure I’ll think of a reason as I sit in front of the tele…where’s my drink???

Okay, maybe this is only important to car geeks but…Jaguar bought by TaTa Motors of China? It was offensive enough to the poor Brits when a bunch of cowboys from Detroit had the balls to rip Jaguar from the clutches of the Tea & Biscuit set and turn them into Forduars. But this?

Bought by Tata Motors, a company partly owned by a communist government that makes the cheapest cars on the planet? The Brits must be choking on their crumpets! I can only hope the Chinese bought Jaguar to learn how to build a proper motorcar. But I fear it’s more insidious…

Introducing the new 2009 line of Tata Tatuars! Get a look at this years lineup…

The Tsingtao Tatuar - a uniquely Chinese convertible for local “consumption”…

Tatuar Amphicar - when you have to be ready to go anywhere…great for spies, smugglers, and drunk drivers.

Tatuar Image - “how much faster does that painted on motor make it go?” -Jeff Gordon

Tea & Crumpet Tatuar - A rolling doiley for the Tea & Crumpet set. Won’t the Queen be pleased?

Tatuar Sexicab - A car people will pay to be seen in…I’m too sexy for my cab fare…too sexy for my eggrolls…too sexy for the highway…

Tatuar Tamale - You couldn’t steal style like this…

Tatuar Scarab - Volkswagen has the Beetle…

Tatuar Sand & Sea SUV - Circumnavigate the Dead Sea in style!

Tatuar ObiWanKenobiVan - Desert travel was never like this. Take the whole family…hell, take the whole neighborhood!

Tatuar Minibar - party on the go!

Doguar Maxivan - At least when people tell you your car is a real dog, you can pretend it’s compliment…

EcoTatuar - runs on solar energy and Sunflower oil

Tatuar Cameravan - Perfect for the Japanese market

Sex in the City Tatuar - Only the Chinese would find a new use for the “fuck me” shoe…

It was one of the last true snowfalls of winter. The snow danced, the wind sang, the trees quivered and snuggled into their fresh white blanket. Robert Frost and Walt Whitman waxed and waned on the excellence of Minnesota winters. Piggy perched in quiet solitude…gently framed in thoughts of spring…and Piggy frolicking…